Wednesday, February 5, 2014

i'm tired, goddammit

"I'm tired, goddammit.", I blurted out, and I laughed at myself, but was completely uncomfortable with the conversation that was being centered around me, and I wanted to sum it up and close it. A personal question was asked, I gave the answer and was met with faces of astonished disbelief, more questions, and raised eyebrows of my friends. I went outside to smoke a cigarette, wishing I had never said anything. 

It's always good to sneak away, for an hour or two, for a lunch or dinner with my homegirl. The woman can cook, and the other night there were the four of us girlfriends sitting around the table that was full of pasta, drinks, conversation and laughs. These girls are strong and smart and independent. And so am I.

Only very recently, in the last year or so, have we started getting together. With each of us living in practically the same town for years, we were all caught up in our own hustle. Life. Then somehow we stopped, looked around, and found each other again.

One is missing from this pic. She missed the photo op. :(
Actually, I didn't orchestrate this reunion of sorts. Another made the call and I just went along for the ride. I've been settled in my nest for years and years. There have been two kids to be raised. There's been a mortgage. Games to play and attend. Gardens and yard work. Sleep. Jesus, I have to sleep. You feel me? I've been so busy and head down in the hustle that I haven't had time for anything else, nor have I wanted anything else. I like it here in all this busy good stuff.

Now I'm going to say what is always said, because it is the truth. Being a single mom is hard. Period. When you read that did you automatically hear blah blah blah? Well, it's not blah! It's totally hard. It's totally exhausting! When it's rewarding, it's no different than when it's rewarding for a partnership of kids. Except it is. It's super great, because a single mom just pulled all that shit off on her own. She did e v e r y  l i t t l e  t h i n g herself. She's totally rewarded, but too fucking exhausted to give herself any extra bonus points, and she's always ready to move on to whatever may come next. She just keeps it moving. Head down in the hustle.

Fist bump to all the awesome single momma's out there! You rock, and if you're doing the best you can, then you are doing it right. 

You know the people that say they hate all of the high school drama but they actually thrive on it like air? You know you know somebody like that. They're the ones that are constantly talking about being back stabbed, and all the while they're planning who karma is going to stab in the back for them. Karma is always their best friend and so is every cliche known to the history of ever. Well, I'm not the one. I'm way extremely the opposite. No, thank you, drama. No. I am to drama as a child is to taking a spoonful of the green-guaranteed-to-make-you-puke medicine with their mouth clenched shut. It's just not happening. I am perfectly happy with my head-down-hustle self. Alone, not lonely. All that. 

Twice I put my heart out on the line, intoxicated and floating by love, in the air, and twice it got knocked off to the ground. Crushed. Each time I finally got back up; once with a baby boy and once with a baby girl. My babies were worth it though, and my whole heart belonged and belongs to them. My whole heart was shielded, heavily, from anyone else from then on. 

I've purposely kept men and any thought of romance a world of space away. I've always thought, I don't need crazy town coming into my house with me and my kids. I don't need the heartache. My kids don't need the heartache. I don't need the drama. It's all got drama written ALLL over it, and so I've gradually added even more stars to my already universal sized space. 

Lately, though, there's been a shift in time. My kids are still kids, but they're older and I'm not so much their constant "go to". I find myself with some free time now. I find myself with a couple of hours to have dinner with friends. With that free time and new conversation, I find myself with the thought of the possibility of something new. 

I don't drink. This is a pic of me and a martini before I tried it. I tried it. I pass.
Whoa! Simma down, now! The thought of the possibility of something new? Doesn't sound like a big deal, I know. As small as I know it may sound, it is kinda monumental to me. I've been on my own and had the mindset to be on my own for a long time. To even think of my mind and my heart changing on that thought freaks me out some. 

It's all very exhausting for me to even think about it, much less actually act on it. The thought of meeting a guy. The thought of the small talk. The thought of getting all fixed up and dressing up if I have to. The thought of being nice. It's been a long damn time, and I'm not sure that I can pull off all of that game. I don't play games. I'm thinking I'm 42 years old and I'll just show up and be all - Hey, this is me. Let's just keep it real, shall we? I would rather jump right into the comfortable part of it, but I don't think that's how it works. I don't really know how the hell it all works. 

Really wanted to like this drink. But no.
So while sitting around the table with my girlfriends, and giving the answer to their question about my sex life, or lack thereof, and seeing their look of shock, and then being left to feel like there is something wrong with me, which, I actually now resent a little, I began to question myself.  It didn't take long to find my answer either. 
There is nothing wrong with me or my choices about how my life has gone thus far, as far as going it alone, or anything else, actually. I'm perfectly content and secure with just a book, a movie, my time, and myself by myself. 
And yet at the same time, getting such a reaction from friends that I respect and appreciate, on top of my own recent thoughts of making the space around my heart a bit more reachable, gave way to something resembling loneliness settling in around me. It's not heavy, but as a tap on my shoulder. My hustle has slowed just ever so slightly. Enough for me to look up and around.

If you don't think someone else's life matches up with yours, and if you find that their wants and needs don't match up with yours, it doesn't necessarily make them wrong and you right. It doesn't mean they need to be rescued or fixed. It's just who and where they are at a phase in life, and if they are good with it, then you should let them be good with it. Maybe spare them all of the simultaneous awkward silence and gasps. 
It will probably only make them ponder things more. 

It just makes them more tired, goddammit.



  1. I see so much of myself in your writing. I am not single but I think this way. If something were to happen in our marriage (and it hasn't been perfect- but we kept on and it's good now) I would be like you. You're right- you don't need the drama. And I definitely say- don't dress up :) if you're comfortable being comfortable, then he's good. Who knows?

    1. Glad I'm not the only one. Thank you.
      And yes, I think I'll stay comfortable. All the drama probably pops up because people aren't comfortable.
      Comfort - It's the answer to everything! ;)

      Happy to hear things are good now.



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