routine adventure

Eyes open before the alarm goes off. Feet hit the floor before the sun wakes the sky. First cig of the day is smoked and the first of coffee is swallowed. 
Of course I want to breathe fresh air instead of smoke, aka quit smoking, but the thought of it sends me into an agitated nervousness and straight to another smoke. Not today. 
The kids ready for school and I for work. 
Routine.
One day runs into the other.
The word bored comes to mind. 
The word adventure comes to mind. 
Gas tank is on E, with just enough gas to get to the next job, to make just enough cash to barely keep the routine going. 

***

The smoke stays outside. That's my thing, not my kid's.
I suppose routine and consistency are a good thing. Especially for kids. I would just like a small break from the routine. Not a complete upheaval, which is exactly what feels like is coming. 
The thought of adventure and restlessness is actually a fear of losing the routine.
Unsure. 
I hate the word fear. 
Along with the gas tank, are the pockets, billfold, and bank account.
The routine, nor the adventure, can be afforded. 

***

I reckon I like the routine. It's safe. Secure. 
I love each new day. Those fresh mornings lend a hand to a new adventure every day. While each new day may seem the same; it isn't. It's new. Brand new and different. I look and greet it.
Maybe bored is an easy word for settled. Settled in. Been settled in all winter.
Maybe it's that Spring is knocking on the door with buds and birds, and like the birds, I'm ready to stretch my wings and fly.
Will the nest still be there for a routine landing after the flight?
There is fear of losing everything and I'm tagging it with the word adventure. Yes, if I lose home, a new adventure will undoubtedly begin. 
A high-wire trapeze with no net. 
A sky-diver wondering if the chute will work. 

***

I like my feet on the ground.
If the routine breaks into adventure with a small opening, barely visible from the outside, into the wild, where I have to make my own path, or the path I know well, with tracks, 
I would like to have  at least a small idea of which to take. 
At least a map. 
A compass. 
A clue. 
A secure landing.
I would like to have home with routine and some adventure. Not an upheaval. Too much to ask?
Not sure.

Real Talk. With some of the posts that I publish I get nervous. This is one of them. It took well over an hour to do what should have taken about 15 min in order to get this post together. Just things like the computer wasn't working right. Things were crashing. Weird. Which makes me a little more fragile to hit publish. I'm thinking - Is this some sort of sign? Don't put this "out there". You can't do this. Or do I keep trying? Keep my head up? Hit publish. Just do it. 
There it is.

-Angie