freak in the bed

After I beat the stuffing around in my pillow, lie my head down, blankets pulled up and around with  my feet sticking out to catch the air from the fan, set the alarm, and set the automatic off timer on the tv, I fall blissfully asleep. I fall asleep really fast. Sometimes freakishly fast. Sometimes it's literally when my head hits the pillow, as they say. I do this. 

Then, from my sound and peaceful slumber, I jolt awake. Jumping up for my life, throwing covers back, and yelling, Hey! Hey! Such a freak. Sometimes it's just a little jolt. Sometimes it's just barely a whisper. This has caused some laughter in the house. Sometimes the kids hear me, sometimes they don't. Sometimes I don't know I've done it and they do. They're used to it. And so am I. For me, it's all very aggravating to awaken in the middle of the night yelling, Hey! Hey!. I only started doing this this past year. Or two. 
And yep, it's Hey! Hey! every single time. 
I don't know...

One night it wasn't funny. I thought I was being murdered by electrocution. As I was throwing the blankets off and making my way to leap out of bed, I was in that in-between phase of being awake and not. Awake enough that I could hear myself, and I think that filled me with even more terror, but asleep enough that I couldn't break from the terror, and continued to run and scream, thinking it was real. I was screaming for my life, HELP ME!! HELP ME!!! 

This was a really bad one. Maybe not the worst nightmare, but definitely the worst I've ever acted in my sleep. Jolie cried out. Tyler yelled, What?! What?!?!, from his room. He thought someone had gotten into the house and we were, I was, his momma was getting attacked. He was scared, but ready to fight whatever it was that had me screaming. It was awful. 

You know how with a nightmare, you might cry in your sleep before you're awake? I was crying. Screaming and crying. By the time I reached my bedroom door and could see Tyler in his room, alert and ready, I heard him ask me, in a panic, What is it? I blurted out, with heavy, hot, salty, tears and sobs, I dreamed I was dying!... I thought I was dying!... I was getting electrocuted!... I was getting shocked!... It wouldn't stop... 

I couldn't even be a pulled together mom in that moment. You know, you can't really scream bloody murder while running through your bedroom and then just calmly be all like... Oh, it was just a bad dream, honey. Everything's OK. 

Nah. Hellll nah. 

And you know? I'd be even more scared if I did react like that. Can you imagine how freaky it would be if I really was calm like that. Yeah, that would be like, well, you might as well cue the - Eeee Eeee Eeee Eeee shower scene sound from Psycho. Right? Yeah, that would be nuts.

You know what I did? With tears still freshly coming down my face? After I blurted out how I thought I was dying? I started laughing. I found it to be hysterical. Through tears and laughter I then said, It was awful. It's really ok, but it was awful. I'm so sorry. 
We all went back to sleep.

We all laughed the next day. When I think about it, I still have that split right down the middle of the laughing and the knot in my throat that it scared my babes so badly. It really was so awful, y'all.

It's the whole heart thing. It's better now with medication. Still doing it's thing from time to time, though. It won't kill me; the heart thing. I know it won't kill me because the doctor told me it wouldn't. After he said that it wouldn't kill me, I asked him, It won't kill me? He assured me it wouldn't. It's not that kind of heart thing. So, it won't. 
I reeeally like knowing this.

They say everyone dreams, they just may not remember their dreams. I'm that person. I don't remember any of them, usually. Every now and again, though, I remember... 

Last night, I dreamed that I was standing naked and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. My ass was the ass of, I'm guessing, a 100 (or so) year old woman. Loose, wrinkly, flabby, skin hanging over the backs of my legs. Wow. Of all the dreams they say you dream every night, that's the one I remember. 

Anyone had any crazy dreams lately? 
Do you laugh in your sleep? That's always good.

-Angie